I Used to be Part of the Problem

To talk about Sean or to not talk about him?  That is always my question with anybody really, but especially new people that I meet.  They did not ever meet Sean, do they really want to hear the ramblings of this crazed widow?  

I think that people may get tired of it, but I had an amazing experience the other night!  I went to a show with a few friends, one of my friends had an out of town guest visiting (let’s just call her LA girl) and luckily she was able to get a ticket last minute.  On the drive to the show I sat next to LA girl, she had never met my husband but I didn’t care.  I talked openly about him, my grief support group and the topic of that week (signs from our loved ones).  I made the comment that I kept waiting for a cardinal to fly by.  LA girl was very supportive and I felt that she didn’t care that I was talking about him so I kept on talking, the whole drive there (about 30 minutes).  Throughout dinner I would add in comments about Sean as was appropriate for the overall table conversation, at the show I had an honest moment when the unspoken language of grief spilled out (tears), and just had a great night out with the girls!

A couple days later my friend who was hosting LA girl mentioned that LA girl made the comment that I talked about Sean a lot.  The first thing that ran through my brain was, “Is that a bad thing?” Before I could get my words out, she followed up with “not in a bad way, just that she was surprised of how open and easily you could talk about Sean.”

This made me realize that society in general likes life to be neat and perfect.  Well society, I’ve got news for you, life is not neat and it is no where near perfect!  The world does not like to focus on anything negative, and I get this because I used to be like that.  Grief is in the past and you should be over it, I used to think that about people but then again I had not lost a very close loved one.  I had lost grandparents (I had loved them, but in a different way) and distant relatives, but never someone close to my age or someone whom I loved very dearly.

Now I do not see it as focusing on the negative or staying in the past, but embracing another emotion.  And society does not want these emotions to surface.  A very good example is the movie Inside Out by Pixar Animation Studios.  The main characters are the emotions of a young girl (see the picture below)  I love the journey these emotions take and what they find at the end.  If you have not seen this I would highly recommend it.

 

Every emotion we have, we have for a reason.  We as individuals have to have a balance of our emotions, and society does too.  But society likes to focus on the Joy or Happiness emotion and forget anything that has a negative connotation to it.

Some people do not want to hear about Sean, and that is fine.  I just probably will not hang out with you as much, just being honest people.  I find that talking about Sean, even though he is gone, helps me find some grounding in this world.

I’m sure many think it is me staying in the past, I was one of you.  But now that I have gone through this, not talking about Sean hurts more.  I wish people could have known him like I did, even my church family.  They only knew him for a very short time during his diagnosis, when he was sick and weak and tired even though he would never admit it or show it to them.

Let’s just say I’m getting to the point in this journey that I do not care if people wish that I would shut up about Sean.  I want to tell every listening ear, and the ones that don’t want to listen) about the time we shared together for many reasons, a few are that our time was too short, his body is gone but his essence is still here, as God allows it.  Let me pause and explain just a little, Ecclesiastes 12:7 (EVS) says “And the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.” the way I see this is even though Sean’s body has returned to dust, his spirit is with God and if I can have a connection with God, God at times allows us to have a connection with our loved ones who have returned to Him (through signs and dreams). Then lastly but the most important I STILL LOVE HIM AND ALWAYS WILL!!!!

If talking about someone you lost will help, do it!  If talking to someone about it is hard, try writing it down (this has helped me tremendously), if that is unnatural draw or sing or whatever it is that works for you.  The important thing is to find an outlet for you to work through your emotions that you don’t understand.

 

Picture credits:

Inside Out Emotion Characters: https://thebarkbitesback.wordpress.com/2015/06/29/inside-the-storytelling-of-pixars-inside-out/